Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Mr. Wrong...Issue #13...An Exit Strategy (or five).

I have to let you know this is going to be my last Mr. Wrong for awhile--but no fear--I have some fabulous guest bloggers lined up for the next few Wednesdays to regale you with their (depressing) tales of their Mr. Wrongs!!! 

As you may or may not know I've had quite a track record dating winners...  I firmly believe that all of them (okay maybe not a few) will meet the most wonderful person to compliment or contrast their eccentricities, bad manners, or lack of life skills.   But alas, there are times when a girl needs an 'exit strategy' (especially with my track record)!  And I want to give you a few of my favorites, field tested by yours truly.  Enjoy!!!
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*The EMERGENCY EXIT approach.   I've employed this strategy with various Mr. Wrongs (one mentioned here).  This is a tried, true, and very vanilla approach.  Whether utilize a friend, your mom (cause you know she'll always have your back), or someone you meet at the bus stop, is up to you...just making sure you're both on the same page is when you text them a certain word (I've used "purple giraffe" in the past) or call them and just let it ring--they know to call you back.  When they call, they need to talk loudly (and somewhat hysterically) so your date overhears that--and your facial expressions need to be one of shock and surprise mixed with an appropriate level of somber.  Usually following the conversation you can duck out, or put the kibosh on all the fun you're having by asking for the check.  This usually doesn't result in a following date as you're too upset to plan for the near future, much less answer your phone when he calls to ask.

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*The SLOWLY DISTANCE YOURSELF approach.  My friend AK and I were chatting the other day--and he informed me this was a strategy he used on the that I think about it my friend DG said the same thing.  So Ladies, even if you don't use this--beware of this one--or at least--take the hint.  And Gentlemen, apparently this works well--so good luck if you need to employ this.  This approach is as simple as it sounds--no confrontation, no need to actually talk about your feelings or general sense of disdain/annoyance/disgust toward the other person--but just as AK put it "slowly distancing yourself so by the time you break the news (if you even have to) the other person knows what is coming and has had time to think about it and prepare for it."  Distancing does NOT mean revert to texting instead of phone calls, but instead slowly stop texting or calling.  Distancing also does NOT mean a restraining order (although it may give you the much needed distance)...

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*The HOUDINI approach.  Houdini was best known as an Escape Artist...which is why this approach fits so well here (and it may be one of my most favorites...but most difficult to pull off)!  Basically to pull a Houdini, so to speak, you need to disappear.   I have one friend who not only changed her number, her email, but she (gasp) deleted get away not from a relationship--BUT from someone she went on a few dates with...  I've heard from friends who had gone out with someone who disappeared and when they finally got in touch with that person--they had moved to another state (I'm giggling, cause I think it's funny, I know it's not).  This approach would be best for a Stage Five Clinger, as seen here... or for a crazy.  (Disclaimer--if you actually feel as if you're in danger, or others have expressed concern for your safety--contacting law enforcement and making a report would be a better choice than pulling a Houdini).

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*The SHOCK AND AWE approach.  If you have a flair for the dramatic, are a fabulous story teller, or your ethical code has no problem with a little fabrication--this may be the best approach for you.   (If you're a believer in Karma--or what goes around comes around--your 'story' will most likely end up biting you in the bootay).  With that being said, this is something you can have the most fun with--and it works best with someone who does not know you, know your story, basically someone you've only went on a few dates with.   Here are three sample 'stories' so to speak:

A) You could explain that your Aunt Thelma in Texas is moving in with you--and here's the thing--she doesn't like boys with Blue Eyes (dramatic pause) she had a traumatic experience with one chasing her home every day during the 2nd grade--from then on she'll throw fine china if she sees or even hears about one.   So as long as Aunt Thelma lives with me--I can't see you--pause for emotion--then rush out. 
B) You could always do an illness or death route.  I have never done this and will never do it because I really think that it brings bad karma--and I think it's really inappropriate to lie about something as intense as life or death (okay, I'm getting off my soap box now).
C)  You could begin talking to your invisible friend, you know Yolanda, she disappeared when you were 6 years old...and now she is back!!!  For example when your date asks you a question--simply defer to Yolanda...and then quizzically look at your date and ask why in the world he's not laughing at Yolanda's hysterical answer.  Or  ask the waitstaff at the restaurant to set a place for Yolanda, order for Yolanda, etc.  (If you ever can and do pull this one off with a straight face--PLEASE tell me the story)!

*The HONESTY approach.  This is my least favorite approach, but it is the one that my Mom advocates--so I'll admit it--I've employed this one the most.  I have to say at the time (having been on both the sending and receiving end of it) it really hurts at the time, but unlike the other approaches--there isn't the confusion, concern or forever wondering 'what was wrong with me?'  What you have to do, and not via post-it (a la Sex in the City), or via Text--is actually have a conversation with that certain someone in person, or on the phone.    I've learned through lots of trial and error--never put them on the defensive saying 'you made me feel like this,' 'you did this,' 'I don't like this about you...'  That usually escalates into them tearing you down.  Instead explain where you are at your specific stage of life (I'm in law school, and that keeps me really really busy...because of that I don't have time for a relationship--and I would love, if you'd be open to it, to form a friendship?).  You should also employ some positivity in this usually keeps the conversation pretty even.  (I really like how passionate, honest and funny you are--we have so much fun together--however there's no spark, no chemistry for me...I know with those qualities, along with so many of your other amazing qualities--you'll find someone that there is so much chemistry with...I wish it was me--but it's not--I'm sorry).  Again, my least favorite but most used one!
**(If you have a Mr (or Miss) Wrong--and we haven't talked about you guest blogging--and you want to--email me or just let me know).**

1 comment:

  1. hahaha, i love these! the houdini and shock and awe are my favorites! thank you so much for your sweet comment today. most of my posts get 20-30+ comments and if you noticed yours was only the 2nd, so i was kind of wondering-- should i post about big issues like these or not? but your comment made it all worthwhile! it's so interesting what you do as a lawyer, i considered law for a while (and who knows, may try it down the road)!